Development News From 2058

Our correspondent Reuben cares so much about keeping you up-to-date, he’s travelled 49 years into the future to get you the latest gaming news before it even happens.

Rockstar Games recently made waves with the announcement that Red Dead Redemption 6: Pirate Cowboys in the Bermuda Triangle had recently gone into development. This was surprising as the game was formally announced at E3 four years ago, and the expected release date is 6 months away. However, Rockstar has been confident in their ability to deliver the game on time, thanks to a new development process called “Supercrunch.”

According to Rockstar lead developers, Supercrunch is a refinement of their previous working model. In normal development, crunch is the process of staff members working overtime (either paid or unpaid) close to a product’s deadline in order to ensure its completion. But what Rockstar is doing goes beyond that – the entire game will be created in just 6 months with the entire staff working 24 hours a day. Although technically a deeply inhumane way to produce a video game, Rockstar assures us that nobody at the company is unwilling. “Everyone knows the best and most important work in any project is during a crunch period. As gamers we are fully committed to the project, as befits our audience, who are also gamers.”

“Working in this period allows us to ensure the maximum amount of big crunch energy is directed into the game, making it even more authentic and realistic.”

The previous games in the series featured increasingly detailed game worlds, and the map of Red Dead 6 is no exception. Detailed satellite modelling has allowed the team to successfully recreate the entire western hemisphere in 24k high definition.

When asked if the game would feature a female playable character, we were told that production unfortunately didn’t have the funds to create the female character models, given the “different walking animations and all their long hair and makeup and stuff.” Plus “they have all that weird stuff in there, y’know? And we don’t want to have to think about that.”

The Supercrunch method is not without its challenges. Human physiology isn’t capable of remaining awake and working for 4360 consecutive hours, so to bring their ambitious vision to life, Rockstar have been working in tandem with energy drink manufacturer Throatpunch. Their more famous flavours include “Fruit-splosion,” “Sugardunk,” and “Grape?,” but the extensive collaboration with Rockstar has necessitated a new flavour: Eternium. Scientifically “proven” to replace sleep, a spokesperson told us that “very few of the apes we tested it on were driven into a violent frenzy”.

Rockstar QA department has been using the new mandatory-optional Eternium food/sleep replacement system for the last 2 weeks. It’s notoriously difficult to get a comment from QA departments, but a few surviving members of staff have been in touch to say that their experiences have been largely positive.

Given the long hours, the violation of several sections of the Geneva Convention, and the consequences of an all-energy drink diet, it is clear that the production of Red Dead 6 is at the very least cruel and unusual. However, somewhere around 30 minutes into the vertical slice we were trialling, a majestic whale jumped out of the ocean and we could count the individual barnacles on its fin. Isn’t that worth a few late nights, missed children’s birthdays and years taken off of the lives of everyone involved? Yes, people suffered for this videogame, but since it made an extremely promising demo, isn’t it all worth it?

If I may quote the noted philosopher dril—

theres actually zero difference between good & bad things. you imbecile. you fucking moron

 

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About Reuben Williams-Smith

Reuben Williams-Smith is a UK based writer, podcaster and Dungeon Master. He loves games, eldritch horror and low budget monster movies. To see more of his work, and occasional pictures of his adorable fur-babies, follow him on twitter @reubscubes.
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